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patchwork_hero's journal
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B irmingham. Im ere. Im packing, im tryin to get closure. Little things set me off, trying to work out what tos ay if H does show up. I imagine all the clever things I would say, but know I would just burst out crying. See.... I still love her. I cant stop crying, cant stop throwing up. my "friend" /andlord is here, and he's barely sad 2 words to me. My ex knows im here, but isnt coming over.... Im inconsolable. My "close friend/ potential next gf/person that I dont love" called me last night,I cant stop texting her, im climbing the walls, I dont want to be alone. I slept maybe 2 hours then woke up realising thaqt no matter what I do with myself and whre I go from here, one day... im going to die. I've been feeling this more and more lately, its my first thought of the morning, last one at night. I fel trapped, im climbing te walls, theres nowhere to go and nothing I can do.... I guess from now on Ill just be going through the motions of life, not really living it. I know its stupid, bt I now realise nothing actualy matters or has any significance (to me at least) anymore. I realise I am so scared of death that I cant end it myself, not even an "accident". I wont be missed, but it wont matter, nothing does. Maybe the only thing to keep me going is realising that all I can really do in this world is try and make other people happy, and bury the pain. My mom deserves so much more than she has had in life, I guess Ill find someone to have a kid with or something, god knows her life is prettyfucking depressing, it would cheer her up.... My bro can be the breadwinner, ill give her a grand kid.... sounds reasonable. Getting married out of fear of dying alone... well everyone dies alone, but.... I guess thats all anyone really as... not wanting to be alone.
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Ok, I guess enough has gone by in the last few days to qualify for an update. My housing/job situation hasnt changed, but on the gf/ex gf front...........loads My Ex GF got in touch (via email) the other day, asking how I was doing since we'd broken up. Totally threw me.... I fudged some kind of email update, dont know what she'll have to say back.... I hope she does anyway though. I cant help but feel a bit raw, on one hand, its a step towards closure (as the americans say), but , to be frank, I dont want closure..Its wierd, I cant help but feel she got in touch solely because she knew I was moving away from Birmingham, and that she would rather vaguely sort things out in a way that doesnt involve us seeing or talking to each other again.... Yea, it puts peoples minds at ease, but , doesnt really *change anything*, in a way, its worse? I dunno...... She still wont want to see me again, talk to me again, play LRP with me again, and with me gone south, hey, problem solved ! I miss her so much. I might have a new gf, I cant say with my heart that I truelly love her, but I need someone to hold onto, and I know she will be there for me if I let her :( I want my H
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Wow, Im posting so soon, which isnt a good sign. My ex's boyfriend posted a facebook invite the other day, I didnt know if it was a mistake or not (it probably was), but he invited me nonetheless. Whether it was a mistake or not, I accepted, as a token gesture....... Found out today im unfriended, and my ex is on facebook.......... so facebooks going to be awquard too now. Its just little things, like seeing her use the profile pic that I took when we went out on a really really trip together....... breaks me more than it should.. Im going on a date in 7 hrs, at least I guess its a date. I dont think im ready to date again, in all honesty , I dont think I really have feelings towards the girl im going to see. We met when I was living up north, and it was wierd but I dropped her an email and she wrote back.... after exchanging a few emails, we met, and now we are meeting again. She loves music, but mostly classical.... she plays lots of instruments at professional level, shes smart, kind, very kind to me........ and I know she likes me... I just, I just dont think shes "the one". I like her , I want to spend time with her (not romantically, sex etc), and I'd like a new circle of friends........ But, I just dont know what im doing with this girl. Im not going to mess her about. I just want someone to be there for me, and someone who knows I will be there for........... I could so easily end up in a relationship with this girl, who I have nothing in common with , except that we both had relationshipsin the same city , at the same time, that ended badly .... I guess its the case I just dont want to be alone anymore, which is true, its still tearing me apart..... But I dont want to mess this girl around...... and I just want my "h" back to be honest. Getting a new gf , along with moving away, its shutting many many doors behind me..... I cant let go, I just cant :( Having said that, I know going back north will hurt too much, I couldnt take one night there, too painful. So I am resigned to moving out soon... Its all too easy to let go of it all, and that scares me. How easily my ex let go scares me equally.
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So, here we are... Sorry for not updating. All those monhs have past, I've gone out and done my worldy explorer bit, I've done some healing, I've made a new friend or two........ Am I healed? Well, the glorious weathers helped, if it had happenned over winter, it would have been 100 times worse. My friends have rallied round me, despite me having not really talked about it... I still hate the idea of factionalising friends when it comes to break ups.... But they;ve been there none the less....... It was like I hadnt even gone... My boss back here has offered me a job back, and I hadnt even asked...... So the door to my old life is calling, Im just more than a little sad about going back................ I've been hiding out at my moms for a month or two now, since I got back......... my stuffs still in Birmingham, but im reluctant to go back........ so reluctant that the only reason to go would be to grab all my stuff and run. I still want "my H" back more than anything, she hasnt spoken to me in months, nor did I expect her too. In my heart of hearts the only thing I want to do is go back to Birmingham and be with her....... It'll never happen, I see that now, and im crying again as I type this........ I still kid myself into thinking it'll all magically work out, there were times almost..... in the past she had gone out of her way to be there. things changed so fast.... I dont know........ I know going back to the south will forever close all doors with my ex, and It'll tear me apart.......... Living in the south though looks like my only option, I know a part of me is going to die, and I also know the pain isnt going to go away. One of the things she said was "time heals"....... I guess it does for her....... My feelings havent changed one bit, I still get frustrated and upset when my thoughts turn to her, I still smile at how our friendship grew, I still wear the cheapo ring that she bought and I wore...... I cant see me ever taking it off. Anyway, im gonna go...... Still no closer to an answer.... still lost...
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Just got back the other day, having a week or two to myself.... Going to update a little later today, its cold and rainy outside , and I dont know how to lift my mood. I wrote two journals while I was away, the depressing one ill post here, the actual travel log .. I think im gonna make a new livejournal or something, this one is so depressing that even I dont really read it once ive posted :P Had a dream about H last night, I've had a couple now . I was lying in bed and although she was angry at me, she got into bed too, we talked (I think), then I worke up. ..... Doesnt mean much, but it does mean im still not over her I guess. On that note, im off... cheerio
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Just got into Costa Rica, it was an interesting flight, smallest plane ive ever been on, caught Casino Royale (I actually empathised with teh Daniel Craig take on Bond..... is that cool or very sad? :P ) and tried to sleep.... it was a very small plane though, and I felt every jolt..
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Ok, here I am , holed up in a hotel (whose name currently escapes me) , chilled out and infinately More rested and straight headed. Ive had a gruelly flight, with a 3 hour delay, missed my connection, been given vouchers, and sent off to a hotel sans vouchers. Ive had some food, im totally knackered, despite sleeping most of the flight (uncomfortably) Lugged a ton of kit all over a deceptively sized airport.... Im knackered, but theres wireless access (glee!) Tried calling some NY mates but no dice, it was kind of a longshot gven that it was very very short notice , adn they are on the far side of NY (everythings so much biggerer here !:P) . And the mates that are local local..... well, I dun have their cell nUmbers, and emails slow and plodding.. ah well. would have been sooo cool to see any of them... would have lifted my mood a lot. Im talking to myself! Im gonna leave this poota on all night to charge, and maybe get the odd random msn.... free net is great :) Quick thanks to Missymoodee for the quick confidence boost, every bit helps.... *hugs* (p.s biggerer is a perfectly cromulant word.)
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Ok, so its 2-3 hours before im off..... I dont think ill be missed, except by my mom and my cats..... what a loser. *cries* Still scared/ nervous.... Worried Ive packed more than the flights will let me get away with (3 bags), worried im going to get homesick (well I know I will), worried Ive missed something, worried im not going to be able to cope (physically and mentally), worried no one is actually going to miss me (there was a game on this weekend where all my friends/people I know are going) ....... Im going. I *am* going , im packed, im going ggrrrrr. I wonder if H still thinks about me, I wonder if shes going to think about me this weekend in particular.... I cant help but hope that maybe she will maybe miss me, and maybe want to talk to me again when I get back...... Jeez, when I get back..... thats even scarier........ I dont even know where to go when I get back. I can only see my life going in two directions at the moment... In the north, where I still try and get a job and make a new start (with *maybe* the slimest chance of actually talking to H again). Or in the south, taking a job back at the company I worked for, and staying with my family until I find a suitable rent place. To summarise, these are my two options : Give up or keep trying. To the one person that know me IRL, and who probably isnt even following my angst journal, have fun, look after H, she gets my stuff if anything happens. I still love her, knowing full well that will probably annoy her these days. To anyone who just follows my journal postings... keep in touch, I need support, the email addy is xgrendalx@hotmail.com and I should get sporadic access.- I will be keeping a journal (probably hand written), ill update as often as possible, im an internet addict and you can count on me to try my damnest to find the nearest net connection as often as possible:) Probably just gave a clue to my rl persona.... fuck it... if people RL want to know how fucked up my head is right now, they can ..... Ive spent 30 years bottling up all my emotions, I need to express myself somehow. and... I just cried so much I made myself sick... cant stop shaking now.... without exgageration, I cant recal ever being so unhappy. I know H will / has? "get over me", she has her bf (it was a polygamic relationship), the love and support of loads and loads of people, and shes more experienced with relationships . Me? im a bloody mess, Ive *never* felt this way, im falling, I dont know what to do... im scared.. I need someone to care about me , I need *her* to care about me.... but shes past it, and I just cant get that far... she was the only one who genuinally cared about me, and I felt the same... I shouldnt have given up that one unhappy night.....I miss her *so* badly, it physically hurts. tik tok tik tok Cheerio all (all being about 3 people), see you on the flipside!
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lonely
distressed
horny